I didn't plan to produce this type of content this soon, but I've found myself in a place where I'm willing to be vulnerable and honest. This is on my mind and keeping me from sleeping, so this is me channeling my inner Aubrey Graham.
Kain Carter is a Youtuber (that's what they're called, right?) that I've watched for many years. He's done dozens and dozens of videos in many categories, but the one thing he said that still sticks with me is…
"There's a big difference between the things that you remember and the things you can't forget."
Think about that. What memories do you hold on to? They're probably the ones that you reach for when you need a smile. What memories have you tried to personally reconcile with and let go off, but still live in your mind?
This resonates with me, particularly with friendship. Side note, I'm going to use "friendship" and "relationship" interchangeably in this post. I've experienced a lot, and I can certainly say that some memories feel like keepsakes and others feel like they haunt me.
I told my friend Amy once (and I say friend because I do value her as a friend) that internally I know exactly who I am, and I do. What shocked me as I found this inner-clarity was that I also found out how deeply I value good, close relationships. I don't just want them, I need them.
What's tough is being an adult. Wait, let me rephrase… Being an adult is a bit difficult, and what's extremely tough is forming good, close relationships as an adult. It feels damn near impossible.
Bit of advice... be thankful for how easy school (at any level) makes it to cultivate friendships. Life outside of the educational setting can be very isolating.
I've lost a lot of close friends in the past decade. Some because of my selfishness, others at no fault of my own. So here I am. 12:25 A.M. with work in the early A.M. thinking about some of the things that I remember and can't forget. I'm going to share those now, because #ImCryptic and why not. Side note, to somewhat protect their identities, everyone will be talked about in non-chronological order, and will be mentioned as a universal "you."
I remember you introducing me to Ed Sheeran. I remember you introducing me to J. Cole. I remember the start of our one-sided friendship. I can't forget you sleeping with my best friend. I remember still loving you. I can't forget the night we almost drove off together forever. I remember us campaigning Gears. I remember you introducing me to The Duck Song. I can't forget the summer that changed everything. I remember your insecurities.
I remember the abortion. I remember "not letting something stupid come between our friendship." I remember Cafe Fluer De Lis, so much. I remember you crying because you didn't know why I was angry at you, even though I wasn't. I can't forget the night you sent the voicemail. I remember you storming in demanding answers. I can't forget you not being a good friend.
I can't forget the bobby pins, and the cuts on your waist. I remember spending Spring Break alone with you. I can't forget you falling from grace, just like I did. I remember hating you. I remember telling you hard truths. I can't forget the night your cousin died. I remember the student surpassing the master. I can't forget you replacing me, just like we did our exes. I remember your selfishness. I can't forget how often we were there for one another in exactly the right way.
I can't forget feeling responsible for what happened, even though I absolutely wasn't. I remember lying to you. I remember putting you above everything else. I remember you asking only about your interests, when there were bigger questions. I can't forget you missing my wedding and not saying a word. I remember meeting your family. I can't forget letting you down the one night your hopes were the highest.
I remember you messing up on day one. I can't forget cheating on you. I remember no one understanding but you. I remember Millenium Park. I can't forget Luna and Harry. I remember barely holding back puke, but wanting only to talk to you. I can't forget you choosing your cousin over me. I remember realizing how much better than you I am. I remember all of your guilt. I remember the civil aftermath.
I remember crossing the line. I can't forget how we grew for the better, and lost our friendship because of it. I can't forget NYC. I remember driving your car. I can't forget your power trips. I remember the New Orleans Bowl. I remember you introducing me to Stumble Upon. I remember Naked Pizza. I can't forget being right there when he told you he wanted to separate.
I remember pretty much everything we ever did. I can't forget how it all ended.
Honestly… I needed this more than I knew.
Well, to close this out I want to talk about Kain, again. He really helped me through some stuff. And now, dude is hurting. Like everyone else, he's been through some stuff. I don't know that any of us are able to make a life-changing breakthrough for him, but maybe his videos will help you. Maybe you've been through something that will help you impart advice on him. Visit his YouTube channel. Watch all of his videos. It'll take time, but yes, all of them (well, maybe not the scary ones). Learn about his story. #InMyFeelings #Friendship #Memories #KaneCarter #HotDamnIRock
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